Wake up to that “fresh from prison” smell

In Corby Kummer’s┬á (super-long) blog post on the Atlantic’s website about Mario Batali’s new artisanal Italian supermarket, Eataly, he somewhat casually mentions that the Eataly in Turin “prominently features coffee beans …roasted locally, over a wood fire, by apprentice roasters in a Turin prison.” Gangster! When are we going to get our prisoner-roasted coffee? I’m tempted to immediately stop drinking any roast that has not been personally hand-fired by a convicted felon. Once you get to a certain point in your life, you come to appreciate the finer things, and one of those things is coffee beans flame-kissed by a 300-pound white supremacist whose hobbies include spending time in “the hole.”

Where were we? I’m lost in my thoughts. Oh yeah — Corby, dude? A two-page blog entry? I don’t care what magazine you write for or how awesome the logo is…I have places to go! Second, the full version of that pull quote is not really any more illuminating. I can’t tell whether the roasters really are prisoners or they conduct their little roasting academy at a prison because the rent’s cheap. You can read the whole article below if you have hours and hours to kill:


In other news, coffee futures rose 0.8 percent to $1.8625 a pound. You know what that means, don’t you? Me neither. Coffee prices could rise up to thousands of dollars per bean but you would still drink it. It’s like how they can charge $14 for a pack of cigarettes in New York City but everyone who smokes will still buy them because they’re smokers and that’s what smokers do. You’re a coffee drinker and that’s what you drink, especially if the beans have been roasted by a man whose gentle touch makes him a favorite of the casual sodomists in Cell Block D.

Drink coffee like the winner you aspire to be

Don’t tell anyone, but Counter Culture will be offering up steaming samples of Mario San Jose — one of the world’s most expensive cups of coffee — FOR FREE this Friday at noon during their weekly tasting series. The coffee, harvested by Hacienda la Esmeralda in Panama, is second only to Kopi Luwak in bucks per bean. Experts say that the flavor profile is such that one sip will have you crapping double rainbows like a civet on YouTube. (That’s taken directly from the Hacienda la Esmeralda Wikipedia entry.) To get in on that righteous Joseph action, follow your fellow coffee super-nerds to The Counter Culture Coffee New York Regional Training Center at 37 West 26th Street, Suite 400, which I believe is just one floor up from The Legion of Doom’s East Coast Quality Control Cabanas. Knock thrice, deliver the passphrase and you’ll be just steps away from what may be the most transformative lunch hour you ever take*.

If Esmeralda’s Mario San Jose blend is pleasing to your gold-plated palate, you’ll probably want to stop shining your spats for a minute and ask your driver to head directly over to the Ace Hotel’s Stumptown outpost to pick up a jar of Mario Carnaval, the estate’s most expensive blend at $75 per 12 ounce jar. $75 may sound like a lot for less than a pound of coffee, but that’s only because you’re poor.

Thanks to the NYT Diner’s Journal for the tip.

*There is no passphrase, and you probably don’t even have to knock.

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